An open letter to men everywhere

Dear Men,

Of all the pig-headed, stubborn, emotionally constipated creatures on this Earth, surely we are the worst.

Let's be honest and tell it like it is, otherwise there's no point in having this conversation.

Most of us - by which I mean all of us, including the ones who think they can fool themselves - get seriously screwed up in our formative years. Boys don't cry, we're told. Boys are tough. Boys are bosses. Boys are superior to girls. Boys don't have feelings or emotions; if we do, we'd better bury them deep and not show them or we'll be judged as weak.

We're taught to look up to ego-driven, alpha male role models: sportsmen and hero-soldiers and adventurers and larger-than-life cartoon characters and movie stars. Never mind that such characters don't represent real life at all. Never mind that being able to kick a ball very hard or run very fast or inflict extreme violence on "bad guys" aren't actually very meaningful accomplishments. Never mind that many of these so-called role models have the brains of a garden gnome and/or the morals of an alley cat.

Whenever boys don't measure up to the impossible expectations heaped on us, we're judged harshly. We're told we're weak, or stupid, or useless, or JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Yes, I'm shouting that last bit, because every man I've ever coached - every man who's been able to go that deeply into himself - has discovered that he carried a fundamental belief that he's JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Including me. Imagine what that does to a boy as he steps into manhood and on into later life. No, you don't have to imagine it, do you, because you've been there.

We're not shown how to figure out who we really are. That's already been worked out for us, our path already mapped out. Once they're done teaching us how JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH we are and telling us who we SHOULD be and what we SHOULD do, our parents leave us so utterly confused that it's a wonder we know which way is up. But, we can't blame our parents for that. They were screwed up in their time, too, and they did the best they could.

And so we struggle through life, believing that we're JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH and striving to prove that after all, we really are okay because we're fitting in with all that SHOULD and we're ticking all the boxes and working hard and attaining material success and social status. But, since we're being honest, somewhere behind all the noise and busyness we know that IT'S JUST NOT BLOODY WORKING! Something's missing, something's way off kilter, and don’t have a clue what it is. "Must be me," we think, "after all, I'm JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH and here's the proof." So we redouble our efforts, we work even harder, we tick even more boxes, until we have a heart attack or we make a comprehensive screw-up of our life or we throw ourselves off a cliff out of sheer desperation.

Well, gentlemen, I have a message for you. For all of us.

Everything you were taught about yourself and about what it means to be a man in today's world was ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS. Well, most of it, anyway.

I said I was going to be honest and tell it like it is, didn't I.

Now, maybe you feel that you're struggling to make sense of your life, that there's some piece of you that's gone missing, or that although on the surface everything looks fantastic, deep down it's actually quite depressing. Maybe you're asking, "what's wrong with me?"

THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You're not going mad, and there's no part of you that's gone missing. You're just adrift, rudderless, because no one ever showed you how to be you. No one ever told you it's okay to be you. Just as you are.

I'm doing a bit of shouting here, aren't I. That's because I want you to listen. This is good shit I'm talking about here, so pay attention.

Go stand in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eye and ask yourself whether you still believe that you're JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Ask yourself, WHO THE HELL AM I?

Brutal honesty, now, guys.

There is a place deep inside you where you can't lie, even to yourself. Find it and go there. Look yourself in the eye, and see it there.

Uh-oh. Is that a tear I see at the corner of your eye?

Congratulations, my friend. You have just made contact with your authentic self.

So what does this mean?

It means you've opened a door that's been closed, locked and bolted for many years. Behind that door is the truth: the truth of who you really are.

You know the belief that I'M JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH is false. Of course you're good enough, but good enough for what?

You don't know who the bloody hell you are. Sure enough you know your name, and where you live, and what you do for a living, and who you're related to and all that stuff but that's more about what you do than who you are.

Who you are has more to do with your personal values, with your strengths and weaknesses, hopes and fears, dreams and aspirations. But you've never allowed yourself to go there, have you. Or if you have, you've pretty quickly shut it down with some argument about "new age bullshit" or "being realistic."

I'm here to tell you that until you dig deep and discover the truth of yourself, nothing you do in your life will make much sense. You'll flounder around, following a script that was written for you by someone else. You'll feel dissatisfied with your life, no matter how "successful" you may appear to be. That's because if you don't know who you are then you can't possibly know what you want, or what you need in order to live an authentic and fulfilling life. And, if you don't know what you want, it's not very likely that you'll get it.

Trust me, you don't want to go all the way through your life carrying that feeling. You don't want to find yourself at the end of your days wondering what the hell all that was about.

Maybe you're asking, IS THIS IT? Surely, there must be more to life than this?

Trust me again. NO, this is not it. YES, there is much more to life - and there's much more to you, too.

You owe it to yourself, and to those who love you, to discover this truth for yourself.

There's no bullshit here. Only wisdom, holding open the door to freedom.

The question is, do you have the courage to step through?

With love,

Your friend, coach, mentor and fellow truth-seeker